Hillbilly Nuns in the Wild
narrated by David Attenborough
The rare and majestic Hillbilly Nun can be found in the Ozark/Highland Mountain Region of the Northwest part of Arkansas. In this segment we will explore what the differences are in their particular group and how you can best spot one in the wild. To start our understanding of this particular pack of hillbillies, you must have a small understanding of all things shiny!
The Hillbilly Coronet
Typically, sighting a hillbilly sister can be easy to determine if you know what to look for in a coronet. Its base can consist of many things but the most common form known is the trucker cap. These are found on many residents of the area but the Sisters stand out by adding baubles, patches, headbands with decorations on top, and sometimes rhinestones. These hats may have words on them, while many will have themes to help them stand out from their peers. One must beware impostors however. A proper trucker cap has to have to have a base of a cap with plastic mesh in the back and adjustable snaps or they don't qualify as official. Each sister has a unique sense of style and they tend to choose material according to the look that they are going for or to establish dominance by being the shiniest sister, and therefore seen by more people. Many a fledgling sister has learned the folly of too many shiny things and the risk of blinding bystanders. There are no restrictions on coronets for different levels of sisters except postulants, which may use our white "crowd pleaser" caps or anything else white they choose, and guards who must wear the coronet backwards.
The Unofficial-Official Sacred Wardrobe
The Hillbilly Nun can be seen sporting many different forms, but there are definite ways to tell if you have encountered one. Whereas there is no official look that anyone has to abide by, there several fabrics in which they may often be found…
Who wear short shorts? They do!
For Pride festivals and in the hotter months in the summer, hillbilly nuns like to wear daisy dukes with or without fishnets or other tights to show off legs during the mating season. They are practically required for hoedowns and hootenannies.
It can and should be worn in any official capacity creating a bridge between the LGBTQ community and the normal hillbilly populace of the Ozark mountain region. The nuns specifically use camo that has sparkle or will add their own to differentiate it from the sort that is used for hunting and other assorted evils. This is not the only fabric that can set a hillbilly nun apart. They also use hunter's orange and buffalo plaid (the red-and-black sort) to make a statement while seamlessly blending in. The natives worship statues and emblems of a porcine idol and the nuns find that masking themselves in red helps to calm the locals. Red may also be used as a talking point for the queer community of the Ozarks to remind them of the importance of the impact of HIV/AIDS on our community and the need for testing and education.
Bling that Thing!
These hillbilly nuns love to adorn themselves in many beautiful things but one thing that most longtime novices and fully-professed sisters will wear is a unique rosary made by one of the local friends of the order (Camille Ferguson). Nuns of Arkansas also wear robes, dresses, and t-shirts that have lots of sequins and rhinestones affixed to draw attention to themselves. Many t-shirts have been fringed and had beads added to add extra folksy flair.